Brace yourselves guys….. shit’s about to get deep.
Anyone who has been reading my blog or following me on social media for a while now will have heard me mention ‘my boyfriend’. In fact, when I first started this site 2.5 years ago, one of my first ever lifestyle-esque posts (which does seem quite irrelevant to the direction the blog has taken now) was a silly little thing called ‘the boyfriend make-up challenge’.
We met at university and were together for 5 years, of which we lived together in London for almost 4 of them.
However, a few weeks ago, just as I was returning to London from my 2 months of travel, he had decided that being in the relationship was no longer what he wanted and broke things off.
I’m not going to try to lie here and say that it was an easy or mutual break-up where we parted to go our separate ways and will remain good friends. I didn’t see it coming and it broke my heart. In one small moment I not only lost my partner but also my best friend, the life we had built together in London and many of my future plans.
Yes, I’ve only just turned 25, but I was happy being settled and looking forward to the future. My world as I knew it was completely turned upside down.
At times I impress myself with my own strength and positive thoughts towards the future, however, at other times I do miss him and a rush of anxiety fills my entire body as I contemplate the idea of completely starting over again. I’m going at it alone for the first time in my adult life, and that’s a scary feeling.
I know that time heals all wounds, and I’ve heard all of the clichés and words of wisdom. But at the end of the day breaking up is shit, and will be for a while.
So why did I decide to share this?
People often complain about how social media influencers and bloggers make life look unrealistic and ‘too good to be true’. And to an extent, I can see this. But it’s not always on purpose. Like anyone, bloggers like to share the good and exciting parts of their lives with others, whilst hiding the crappy parts because, well, we’re only human and we just don’t want to talk about them.
However, blogs were started so that people could write their stories and share their feelings in their own personal ‘online journal’. And I know that, for many, blogging has taken a somewhat large leap away from where it started and has turned into a mass of online travel guides and unboxings and product reviews (mine included) instead.
But that doesn’t mean us bloggers shouldn’t be real and truthful anymore. In fact, I believe that it’s this sense of humanity and relatability which differentiates us from the big magazines and websites, and makes people want to stick with us and continue to read our stories.
So this is why I’ve decided to share my story. Not for sympathy likes, and certainly not so that those of you that know him can pass judgement or make comments. These are not my intentions at all.
I’m sharing because I want to be honest. I’m sharing to let you know why I haven’t been posting on my blog or Instagram much lately, and why it may remain this way for the weeks to come. And, most importantly, I’m sharing so that you guys can be on this journey with me moving forward.
What’s next for me?
There are a lot of changes to come in my life now, and a lot of big decisions to be made. I’m currently bunking back at my parents on the outskirts of London while things are being sorted out with our flat. The hope is to get back into my own place in London as soon as possible, however, with my recent jump into freelancing this is easier said than done right now.
Those of you who have been through long-term breakups before will know that there’s a lot of both emotional and physical separation to go through before things can settle down properly.
On the practical side, I still need to properly move out of our shared flat. There are joint belongings, bank accounts and subscriptions that need to be sorted out. And there’s even a holiday to be cancelled.
On the emotional side, I’m now considering spending some more time travelling over the rest of the summer and sorting my head out before jolting myself back into reality in London. Readers of the blog will know how important travel is to me, however, over the last 5 years so many travel memories have been created with my ex that I know I need to disassociate travel with him as soon as possible and not let these negative emotions cloud my own passions.
And after this, well we shall see. For now, I will be taking things one day at a time and see what the future has to hold for me…
So here’s to heartbreak and new beginnings.
“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”
If anyone has been through something similar or just wants to chat, please drop me a message in the comments or at [email protected]
UPDATE SEPTEMBER 2018:
Thank you so much to all of my amazing friends, family and readers who reached out to me after I published this post a few months ago! I just wanted to update those of you who are still stumbling across it now and let you know that the clichés are in fact true. Time, along with my amazing support network, has healed my wounds and I am certainly feeling back to my old self again. This summer has been an exciting time for me and I can’t wait to share more of what I am up to now with you guys and continue into this new and exciting period of my life!